Missing Cadence

19May11

The other day, I was going through an old notebook to see if I could throw it out.  I came across a page with a whole bunch of times listed on it.  It was one of the many many pages I had written listing the times of my contractions during my last 10 weeks of pregnancy.  The time span on this particular sheet is from 5:32 to 8:05.  And I didnt go any longer than 10 minutes between contractions.  I remember those days.  Every contraction brought a huge fear that this was it, my babies were going to come too early.  I think the longest I went durign the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy between contractions was 20 minutes.

 I wish I was able to enjoy more of my pregnancy.  The first month was great other than the few moments of morning sickness.  It was when we found out it was triplets that it just became overwhelming.  Too many stats of how things could turn out, most leaning towards loss of all babies or severe mental disabilities.  Without my faith and the support, love and prayers from family and friends, Im sure I would not have made it – or worse yet made the wrong decision by deciding to “selectively reduce”.  Had I done that, I for sure would not have my beautiful Keira and it would have risked Conor’s life as well.  PLus I would have had to live with my decision for the rest of my life. 

Thankfully I made the right choices – a time in my life when I know I was led by the Holy Spirit.  Not only did findng this note bring this all back to me, but this Saturday will be 3 years since I found out my precious Cadence passed away.  I can honestly say not a day has gone by that I havnt thought of her.  Im always trying to picture how different our family would be, how many more challanges a third child would have brought, how the dynamics between the three of them would have worked, how I would have her and Keira’s room set up.   She has only appeared in one of my dreams.  In that dream Shaun was running away from me in a field, playing with the kids.  I could see Conor and Keira running on either side of him and ahead of them was Cadence but all I could see were her legs and feet running.  I cant tell you how many times I have prayed for her to come visit me in dreams, ones where I actually can see her and interact with her.  

I have told Conor and Keira that they have a sister in Heaven and what her name is.  Conor doesnt seem to grasp this at all but Keira does a bit.  One time she told me that she dreamed of her but that was all she said about it.  I dont know if she actually dreamed of her or if she was just repeating me talking about it. 

We havnt done anything this year to remember her yet.  I will be away on the 20th but want to do something when I get back.  For now she sits in a little urn on my dresser w/ a little guardian angel that my mom got me in England sitting beside her.

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2 Responses to “Missing Cadence”

  1. Beautiful Kelly. My journal often opens to a page where I was praying for you and your babies, so I think of this often and clearly can recall this scary time. I hope Cadence meets you in your dreams again soon. How beautiful.

  2. 2 Joan Bailey

    Hi Kelly,
    I just dropped in on your blog and found this beautiful post. It is your mother’s journey to have your precious little Cadence cherished in your soul forever. Just so tiny, no chance at all on this side, but always well remembered and well loved. I too pray you will see her again in your dreams. It is also beautiful to see Kiera knows her too. God bless you.
    Joan


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