Missing Cadence

19May11

The other day, I was going through an old notebook to see if I could throw it out.  I came across a page with a whole bunch of times listed on it.  It was one of the many many pages I had written listing the times of my contractions during my last 10 weeks of pregnancy.  The time span on this particular sheet is from 5:32 to 8:05.  And I didnt go any longer than 10 minutes between contractions.  I remember those days.  Every contraction brought a huge fear that this was it, my babies were going to come too early.  I think the longest I went durign the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy between contractions was 20 minutes.

 I wish I was able to enjoy more of my pregnancy.  The first month was great other than the few moments of morning sickness.  It was when we found out it was triplets that it just became overwhelming.  Too many stats of how things could turn out, most leaning towards loss of all babies or severe mental disabilities.  Without my faith and the support, love and prayers from family and friends, Im sure I would not have made it – or worse yet made the wrong decision by deciding to “selectively reduce”.  Had I done that, I for sure would not have my beautiful Keira and it would have risked Conor’s life as well.  PLus I would have had to live with my decision for the rest of my life. 

Thankfully I made the right choices – a time in my life when I know I was led by the Holy Spirit.  Not only did findng this note bring this all back to me, but this Saturday will be 3 years since I found out my precious Cadence passed away.  I can honestly say not a day has gone by that I havnt thought of her.  Im always trying to picture how different our family would be, how many more challanges a third child would have brought, how the dynamics between the three of them would have worked, how I would have her and Keira’s room set up.   She has only appeared in one of my dreams.  In that dream Shaun was running away from me in a field, playing with the kids.  I could see Conor and Keira running on either side of him and ahead of them was Cadence but all I could see were her legs and feet running.  I cant tell you how many times I have prayed for her to come visit me in dreams, ones where I actually can see her and interact with her.  

I have told Conor and Keira that they have a sister in Heaven and what her name is.  Conor doesnt seem to grasp this at all but Keira does a bit.  One time she told me that she dreamed of her but that was all she said about it.  I dont know if she actually dreamed of her or if she was just repeating me talking about it. 

We havnt done anything this year to remember her yet.  I will be away on the 20th but want to do something when I get back.  For now she sits in a little urn on my dresser w/ a little guardian angel that my mom got me in England sitting beside her.


So I think she finally got it!  Today she was running to the potty w/ no spills along the way and even trying to empty the potty by herself!  I am so proud of her!  I had bible study tonight so I thought we would brave it and go to that to see how she did outside of the home.  I told her no potty in the car and she didnt 🙂  Then once at the church building I told her to tell me when she had to potty – and she did!  I really didnt think she would on a normal size toilet in a public place.  I couldnt be prouder of her.  Today her prize was a little purse and she loves it.  She carries her sunglasses in it everywhere.  I told her if she did number 2 on the potty that I would buy her a pretty dress.  Im hoping that she does that soon!!


Well, I almost gave up today!  Keira wanted nothing to do with potty training till later this afternoon.  So frusterating!  She would just sit there and pee and then proceed not to tell me.  (I have been w/in arms reach of  her all day though, so it didnt go long unoticed)  Thank goodness for those foam matts that I was able to cover our living room floor with.  And for once, I actually love having tile on the majority of our downstairs floor.  But by this afternoon she started to come around and we had a few good episodes on the potty.  I did have to call my friend Tami for some advice and a pep talk.  Its good to have friends who have either gone through this before or are doing so now!  Im hoping tomorrow goes better than today.  Conor still shows no interest at all.  Either he is too oblivious to his surroundings or is too smart to take notice.

Im trying to update my blog and make it look prettier but havnt really figured everything out.  Figure I should have more pics on here and probably update our main pic as the one there is from like 1 year before I was even pregnant w/ my babies.  Im sure it will be almost as frusterating for me as it is to potty train!


So I have finally started it!  After saying several times that I would.  Today we started potty training with Keira and so far it has been a great success.  This morning, after Conor’s speech therapy group, I changed Keira out of her diapers and told her we were putting on panties.  She was not thrilled and ran around the house naked for 30 min before I could convince her to put on panties.  And then the messes began.  I just kept telling her to “Tell mommy when you need to go potty” and she would, at first too late.  But each time I would haul her to her potty (she prefers the small ones for them) and eventually she was telling me in time to make it to the potty!!!  I was so happy w/ her progress and w/ myself for not giving up!  She did ask for her diapers throughout the day but I didnt give in.  But man is that a lot of work, Im so tired, the house is a complete disaster (I swear Conor knows I cant focus on keeping it somewhat tidy and is running around creating disaster).  So, heres hoping tomorrow is just as good as today and that we are headed to a diaper free house.  Shaun said he would potty train Conor when we get back from Whistler in a couple of weeks.  Curious to see how Conor does.  He has taken absolutly no interest in what Keira is doing.

I cant beleive my babies are no longer babies.  Just two and a half years ago, I was worrying about whether they would take their next breath, why Keira kept getting sick and moving back a level in NICU, wondering when the baby days would end so I could get a full nights rest!  But it was definitly all worth it.  Just wish my baby Cadence was here to enjoy these times with us.  Cant wait to see her again! 

This is definitly my favorite stage so far!  I love how they copy what we do, how they say words for the first time, how Keira talks to her babies, how Conor sorts his cars, how they run around the house together holding hands and then get sad when the other wont hold their hand.  I love the kisses, how Keira gets down on her knees, bows her head, clasps her hands together in prayer, when they call me “mama” despite never calling myself that.  I just love being a mom.


6 Month Update

30Jan11

Wow, I really am not good at this blog thing.  Most the time its because I dont know what to write or I would just like time to be lazy and curl up on the couch or read a book.  I must admit, as the kids have gotten older, I do get more time to myself.  They play a lot more by themselves and keep eachother entertained.  So here is a quick update on the last 6 months…

We really enjoyed summer w/ the kids.  They went to the park almost every day wether it was me taking them or their nanny, Stacey (whom they absolutly love and adore).  Keira’s favorite is the slide and swing.   Conor hates the swing.  He always wants to get in it but once there, he wants right back out.  HOpefully that changes for this summer!  My parents came out in August and we took the kids upisland.  We went to Coombs, Courtenay, Nanaimo and back home.  Kids were much better behaved than I expected.   Getting them to sleep in a hotel room took a bit and was not a comfy sleep for me! 

My good friend Alana and her family came for a visit as well.  Alana and I have been friends since grade 1 and I was so happy to finally have her here for a visit.  Of course her daughter Calie and my two were still at the age where they play in the same room independantly but at least there wasnt too much toy stealing from eachother.  NEar the end of summer Keira started to have some sleep issues.  She would freak out unless I was in the room w/ her whereas before I could lie her down, say a prayer, and walk out the door.  So I had to sit in her room til she would fall asleep.  I read a lot of books durign this time.  We moved her out of  her crib onto the mattress on the ground and I slowly inched my way closer to the door each night.  Gradually I got out of the room but it took a good couple of months.  Now I can tuck her in, say a prayer, then tell her I will be at the computer (outside her room) and she is asleep in 2 min. 

Conor has his own set of sleep issues.  Since the beginning of December, his sleep schedule got messed up and now is not ready for bed til 10 pm but sleeps in til 9 or 10.  I have been wanting to wake him up early at 7 so he can be ready for bed at 8 but he has had a cold this whole time and I dont want to make it worse.  But I really should just do it.  Would be nice to have time w/out a kid awake!  We think he is a fraid of the dark but if he has a nightlight, he just plays w/ it so we have to figure something else. 

Both kids are still in the infant development program though they only get seen once every 2 or 3 months.  They just had their 2 1/2 yr assessment and Keira met all the targets.  Conor on the other hand failed everythign except for fine motor.  And he failed everything else b/c he is behind in speech.  He really doesnt have many words.  He has done sign language, which helped a bit.  And now sees a speech therapist who has given me tips to help him.  We use pictures, play copy/imitation games, repeat his good words, and do a lot of repitition to the point it drives you mad.  But he is making progress.  His speech therapist feels it may be an adenoid problem so he has been referred to a ear nose throat specialist.  In Feb we will be going to group sessions to learn other ways to encourage speech.  If there isnt much improvement, then he will be doing one on one sessions w/ the speech therapist.  Conor and Keira do have their own twin language and it is really cute to hear them.  I really need to get it on video tape but it never seems to be near me when I hear them.

Well thats it for now for an update.  Gotta enjoy some me time, even though conor is still up!


Conor and Keira have finally turned 2!  And so far so good.  We had almost 30 people over to celebrate their 2nd bday on June 12.  I think that there were 6 two year olds, 2 3 month olds, 2 3 yr olds and 6 kids between the ages of  4 and 7.  THank goodness it was a nice day so kids could play outside.  We rented a bubble blowing machine which was a hit.  Conor and Keira were overwhelmed at first but eventually relaxed.   Neither could figure out the blowing out the candle thing but have now had lots of practice, thanks to a bday gift from Stacey – Melissa & Doug cupcakes.  Shaun and I bought them a wooden kitchen for their birthday but unfortunatly it wont be here till July.  Thank goodness they are only 2 and dont realize there was a gift missing.  Im so thankful that we have a lot of friends w/ kids close the ages of ours.  Makes it easy for playdates and also to get advice from moms on how to handle certain stages as we seem to go through similar issues.

This past week Conor and Keira had their 24 mo assessment.  They did very well on fine & gross  motor skills.  Conor did well on the social aspect but poorly on communication.  Keira wasnt good on social and was borderline w/ her communication.  She is poor on the social due to some of her shyness and she wouldnt do a lot of what infant development wanted her to do but I know that she can do it.  So they have both been referred to speech therapy.  Its not surprising that they are behind.  Keira is better at it.  She has started saying more words though she doesnt string any together.  Conor seems to be all vowels and no consenents.  Its not at a critical point yet but we dont want it to affect his self esteem or social abilities.  Plus soon Im sure he will start to become very frusterated b/c of it which can cause behavioural problems.  Im actually looking forward to it.  Im curious to see what they do to get them to talk. Im sure there will be a lot of exercises for us to do at home. 

Their big beds should be here in the next 2 weeks.  I prob wont move Keira into hers right away but might w/ Conor.  We will see how it goes.  Maybe I’ll wait til after my friend Alana and her family visit so Im awake to visit w/ them.  Keira has become very jealous of Conor and has to have everything that he is.  Thankfully Conor is very good at sharing.  Something that we are workin gon w/ Keira.  We go out everyday to a park or for a walk.  Have to get them outside of the house to burn off some of that energy!  Luckily we have some very good parks nearby.


San Diego

23Mar10

Just got back from San Diego last night.  Absolutly love that city.  It was stressful getting there though.  We only had 1 hr and 15 min from the time our flight landed in Calgary until we our connecting flight to SD left.  We got on that plane w/ only 10 min before take off.  Not a great start but at least we made it. 

The first night we went to the gas lamp quarter and had some mexican food.  Later we ended up at the Whiskey Girl (a pub) and sat on the patio.  On Friday we headed to the zoo.  I guess I wasnt that impressed.  I mean its better than Calgary’s for sure.  We saw the panda exhibit (so cute, unfortuatly the baby was sleeping), the monkeys, the tiger, went on the gondala, ate some gross food.  My least favorite thing was the flamingos.  Those things stink so bad.  We left there for shopping at the outlets.  No amazing deals, but still better than home.  Got most ofmy kids summer clothes.

That night we went on a dinner cruise.  It was pretty fun, a little on the pricey side and music wasnt all that great, kind of put you to sleep.  But it was romantic and it was neat to see the city from the water.  I dont think our waiter like us, not quite sure why. 

Next day was my favorite.  Seaworld.  Shaun dragged me onto one of the water rides.  I was not looking forward to being drenched.  Plus I had only a purse to protect my camera.  We ended up on the ride w/ a family of 5.  I did luck out and didnt get too we, same as the father from the family.  The rest were drenched.  And we kept my purse dry!!  Then Shamu, oh I love shamu.  Those killerwhales are so amazing and so smart.  I got some good pics.  The whole time I was just thinking how much my kids would love this.  We stayed at the park for the better part of the day.  That night we just went for an amazing dinner at a place called Marbles.  It is a restaurant w/a burlesque feeling.  They were all dressed from that time period.  It was so nice to eat good veggies and meat that didnt make youwonder what was really in it.  It can be so hard to pick a good restaurant when travelling.  Next we went off to sit on another patio.  Met a nice couple from North Carolina, and Shaun made some friends w/ guys that were there to set up for some sort of event. Shaun spotted some marines there so he bought them a drink.  They came over and they were just finishing up training before heading out to Afghanistan.  Really nice kids.  Shaun wanted to thank them for fighting for us.  One thing Shaun learned in the Army was that Canada looks up to the Americans as our big brother.  Seeing him w/ those guys just reminded me how well he would have done in that line of work.  Yes I would have missed him like crazy but he loved it.  You can see it in his eyes when he talks about basic.  He really would have liked to have finished it and actually served our Country. 

Next day was our day to relax.  Took a tour of the air craft carrier.  Pretty crazy big.  The smell kind of got to me.  Cant imagine what that thing would smell like after being at sea for a bit w/ 4000 men on it.

One thing I would not recommend is staying at the Sheraton Hotel and Marina.  The room itself was great.  But we were in the Bay tower (not known to us til we got there) and it was a 5 min walk from the main tower which held the conceirge, restaraunt, better pool. Plus the hotel was a $12 cab fare from downtown where we spent most of our time.   Would have been the same amount to stay at a hotel right downtown and not pay cab fare.  At least the cab drivers down there were very friendly.  crazy drivers but friendly.

I did miss my babies like crazy.  Stacey was able to figure out how to get them to sleep in!!!  For that alone she is the best nanny ever!  She just moved their nap to the afternoon and put them to bed 15 min later.   Conor even slept in til 8 one day, much better than his regular 5 am.  She took them to the park alot and to the petting zoo at beacon hill.  She has video of that which Im looking forward to seeing.  Aparantly Keira chased the goats and ducks while laughing her crazy lady laugh.  We cant wait to take them to SD.  Shaun really wants to buy a condo there, obviously down the road, but we want a vacation spot we can go back to and SD isnt that far.

Some pics are posted below from our trip