May 20th – One Year Angelversary

One year ago yesterday we found out that Cadence had passed away.  I cant believe that one year has passed.  At the time it seemed like time was standing still and refused to move forward.  Looking back, I cant believe that I handled carrying a deceased baby so well for 4 weeks.  Guess that just shows how much strength God gives us. 

Yesterday wasnt as hard as I feared it to be.  I had moments throughout the day but overall I did ok.  I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  It included a card that said “To Daddy and Mommy.  With love from Cadence – your little angel in Heaven”  My parents had sent it.  I cried but was very happy that she was remembered by someone else. 

I keep reminiscing about the day we found out.  I remember sitting waiting to see Dr. Dansereau (our perinatoligist) and feeling that something was wrong, but I think I felt that way every time before an appt b/c every appt we got more bad news.  That walk from the ultrasound to the front door of the hospital was the longest walk.  I was trying to keep everything together until we got to at least the car.  When we got home, I curled up in our bed and cried.  The first person I told was my sister in law Meagan.  My parents were in England and I couldnt reach them at my brothers flat so I called Meagan to get them to call me.  I dont know how she understood what I had said but she got a hold of my parents to call me.  My mom brought back from England 3 bunnies from the Peter Rabbit stories and little books for each of them. 

I am just so thankful for Conor and Keira.  I am saddened that they wont have any memory of Cadence but Im sure that they will always feel something missing.  I always try to imagine what she would be like.  I think she would have a sweet disposition and be the calmer one between her and Keira.  I imagine her to be best friends w/ Keira and that Conor would watch over both of them at school.  I still hate saying that I have twins, because really they are triplets and by saying twins I feel as though Im not acknowledging Cadence.  But I know that Cadence would understand and that my heart will never forget her. 

We still have yet to do a memorial for her.  We really want to do it at a beach and so far this year, the weather hasnt been good enough to take Conor and Keira to the beach.  Hopefully soon.  Shaun and I have decided to spread her ashes w/ ours when our time on earth is done.  I can not wait to be reunited with my baby girl. 

To my baby Cadence,  I miss you so much. Not a day goes by where my heart doesnt ache for you.  I cant wait for the day when I can hold you in my arms.  You are my baby angel.  Love Mommy.

 

I have posted a pic of the bouquet from Cadence, her hand and footprints when delivered (her hand was the same size as my thumb print) and an ultrasound pic taken March 20, 2008.

Getting to Sleep

Well we are trying to get the babies to go to bed when we put them down instead of fighting w/ them for 2 hours and having to rock them every night.  I had heard of the controlled crying technique but was afraid to try it.  I tried a couple of times last week but quickly gave up when Keira started hitting her head against the crib railings.  But I heard one of my friends did it w/ her two and it worked for them so I called her up and got advice.

So two nights ago we gave it another try.  Both went to sleep w/out a fuss.  I knew not to get my hopes up b/c I knew this was not normal.  Last night they cried for 40 min b4 going to sleep.  I checked on them at 5 min, 10 min, 15 min and then in 10 min I put their blankets on.  And best of all Keira slept til 5 am b4 wanting a bottle and then went back to sleep till 7.  So again we tried tonight and they only cried for 10 min.  So it is working.  And best of all, they still wake in the morning w/ smiles so they must forgive me!  I really want to have this done by next thursday as I am taking a course on Thursdays from 630 – 930 and Shaun will have to put the babies to sleep on his own.  Once the babies started to get on the  move, it was pretty much impossible to put them to bed on your own.  Youd be rocking one and the other would be pulling at the cords on the hardrive.

Im taking Simply Accounting course.  And its being taught by someone I worked with which is good b/c I know she is a good teacher.  I will be doing the bookkeeping for Shaun starting in September.  For those that didnt know, Shaun and I will be store owners in September, well at least 80 -20 owners which means that we own 80% and his parents still have 20% for 5 years and then we buy them out completly.  Looking forward to this but realize that our life is about to get real busy.  I will also be doing the paperwork and payroll.  And I will be int he stores a bit.  Still have to get permission from CRA but I dont think that will be a problem.  The best part of all of this is  I can do most of this from home. 

We are going to Calgary in July.  Im so excited.  We will be driving out probably on the 4th and 5th and then we leave the kids with my parents on the tuesday and go to banff for a Timmys simposium for a couple of nights.  Then back to Calgayr and probably celebrate my 30th with my friends from Calgary.  It will be like a honeymoon withshaun in banff with no babies!!!  Hopefully they sleep better in Calgary than they did last time.  We will just see how the long road trip will be.

Happy Mothers Day

Today is my first Mothers Day and it has been a good day.  Shaun made a stepping stone for me for our garden.  It says Happy Mothers Day, has Conor and Keira’s handprints, and has their names and year.  I was pleasantly surprised that Shaun would do something like that for me.  I went to church with Keira.  It was Conor’s turn but she was so fussy and she usually behaves really well at church.  The McClures held thoughout the service which was a nice break for me. At the end of the service someone from Options Pregnancy came to talk about what they do (as we are participating in a fundraiser for them).  It was so hard to hold back my tears when she got up to speak.  She talked about working w/ girls who had unwanted pregnancies.  Some of them unfortunatly chose to have abortions.  But they end up coming back to the centre and find that God loves us even when we make poor choices and still wants us to be with him.  Some of them end up naming their unborn child and having funerals for them.  It just made me remember Cadence and my pregnancy.  Doctors kept talking about “selective reduction” of the identical twins in order to save Conor.  And I came so close to doing that.  But through prayer and support from those around me I made the right decision.  Today I have Conor AND Keira.  I did lose Cadence and still suffer from that but I know that her death was out of my hands.  If she had survived it wouldnt have been without suffering and my perinatologist said she wouldnt have lasted long out of the womb.  She would still be with God.

I used to visit a message board for mothers who have lost their infants in pregancy or early in life.  One of the moms on their had this poem written (Im not sure of the author).  But I love this poem and it brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.

An Angel in the Book of Life                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Wrote down our baby’s birth

And whispered as she closed the book

Too beautiful for earth.

 

On May 20th it will be a year since I found out that we lost Cadence.  This is going to be a hard week.