Wow cant believe I havnt written since early June.  June was a bad month.  Both kids were sick pretty much the whole month.  Had to cancel their birthday party.  I baked a cake on their actual day and Shaun and I sang happy bday to them.  Keira was not happy when we forced her to touch the cake and conor couldnt care less. 

July we drove out to Calgary for 2 weeks.  For part of the trip Shaun and I were at a Tim Horton’s Symposium in Banff at the Rimrock Resort.  Celebrated our 5th yr anniversary there.  Took the kids to the Stampede.  Not as much fun as Id hoped but at least I can say they have been there.  Also had friends over to celebrate my 30th. 

I was in Calgary a couple of times August.  Once for a funeral of my good friends beautiful 3 year old princess and then again for my parents 40th wedding anniversary.  This summer has just gone by so fast.  I cant beleive it is pretty much over.  Keira of course had her first step when I was in Calgary w/ Conor and she was home w/ her dad.  But I am happy Shaun got to experience a first like that.  Conor now has also taken his first step but is more focused on trying to stand hands free.  Keira has gotten very good at it and is taking more steps w/out falling.  Some say not to look forward to when they can walk but it will actually make my life a lot easier.  Especially when taking them to church.

Tomorrow Shaun and I are officially Tim Horton franchinsee owners.  We are doing an 80-20 ownership w/ Shauns parents.  So we basically run the stores and in 5 years buy it out completly.  Excited but nervous about it.  Doesnt feel real yet.  We found someone to watch the kids 3 days a week.  Ive only met her once but feel very comfortable w/ having her watch my children.  She is a friend of a good friend here in Victoria.  Other than being in the store, I also am doing payroll and bookkeeping. 

I am taking the kids to a play place tomorrow w/ some friends from church.  It will be good to get out of the house.  The last week we didnt really do anything out of the house and I almost went insane.  I need to get out at least once a week. 

Keira’s hair is getting longer and still curly   Very happy about that.  We gave Conor his first haircut the other day.  We just cut his bangs and they are a bit crooked and a little short but they move their head so much and I dont want to cut him w/ the scissors.  I think we will leave it to a professional the next time.  I love listening to Keira talk.  She does  a lot of it.  Cant wait for her first word (besides moma and dada).  Anyways, off to bed I go.  I know only 8 pm but kids are waking a lot in the night (I think its a teething thing).

I Survived!!

So Keira got sick again last night at about 1130.  I set up camp beside her crib after that.  Amazing how comfortable the floor can be when you know its your only option to get some sleep.  She woke at 4 for a bottle which I gave her and she quickly went back to sleep.  When she got up this morning she seemed to be ok.  She never did get sick again today but you could tell at times she wasnt herself.  So I fed her mostly water and towards the end of the day watered down formula.  Thank goodness it didnt get any worse and that Conor has so far escaped it. 

Tomorrow is Camp Day at Timmy’s so the kids and I are going to go in for a visit.  I think Keira has been in to Timmy’s but not Conor.  Anyways, not much else to say about today, just thankful that Keira’s sickness didnt get any worse!

Clown and Codfish

Today Keira and Conor went swimming for the first time.  And what a fiasco that was, well the prep, not the actual swimming.  We packed them into the car and drove to swim lessons.  Half way there Keira started puking all over her carseat and my new car!!  So when we got the rec centre I took off her shirt and wiped her up w/ Shauns spare tshirt. 

I dont know how moms do it w/ only one baby.  We got changed in the family change room.  What do you do w/ your baby when your changing?  I dislike public swimming pools very much, so many germs and it really makes me gag to think of it.  I have never been able to walk on a pool deck or in the change room w/ out stepping only on my tip toes.  we ended up having to put one of our towels on the ground to change the babies (we were in a change cubicle and the bench was too small to do this w/ the babies on it). 

So into the pool (10 min late by now).  Keira was not too much of a fan.  Conor loved it.  I think he drank half of the pool.  We played a little game where each baby is a fish.  Keira was a clown fish and Conor was a codfish (so the tradition continues down the family line).  By the end of class Keira did enjoy floating on her back but I think she was happy to get out of there. 

We came back home and Keira seemed to be fine.  But then I fed her supper and up it all came again.  Luckily was only in a diaper.  After her next bottle she just kind of lied there and started to fall asleep.  It concerned me a bit but I put her in her crib and she fell asleep.  I keep checking on her to make sure she is still breathing.  Im dont do well when they are sick.  I get that feeling that I used to get when they were sick in the NICU/Peds.    Hopefully she is better tomorrow. 

We got a new vehicle on Saturday.  It is a 2008 Lincoln MKX.  Personally I had never heardof it before.  We originally were looking at the Ford Edge.  MKX is like an upgrade to the edge.  He showed us the MKX and we fell in love.  Low in kms and is just what we needed.  I can sit in between the kids in the backseat and our stroller fits in the back w/ room to spare.  I love driving it but havnt gotten much of a chance.  Been tempted to just go out but IM trying to be mindful of the environment and how much gas costs!!

May 20th – One Year Angelversary

One year ago yesterday we found out that Cadence had passed away.  I cant believe that one year has passed.  At the time it seemed like time was standing still and refused to move forward.  Looking back, I cant believe that I handled carrying a deceased baby so well for 4 weeks.  Guess that just shows how much strength God gives us. 

Yesterday wasnt as hard as I feared it to be.  I had moments throughout the day but overall I did ok.  I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  It included a card that said “To Daddy and Mommy.  With love from Cadence – your little angel in Heaven”  My parents had sent it.  I cried but was very happy that she was remembered by someone else. 

I keep reminiscing about the day we found out.  I remember sitting waiting to see Dr. Dansereau (our perinatoligist) and feeling that something was wrong, but I think I felt that way every time before an appt b/c every appt we got more bad news.  That walk from the ultrasound to the front door of the hospital was the longest walk.  I was trying to keep everything together until we got to at least the car.  When we got home, I curled up in our bed and cried.  The first person I told was my sister in law Meagan.  My parents were in England and I couldnt reach them at my brothers flat so I called Meagan to get them to call me.  I dont know how she understood what I had said but she got a hold of my parents to call me.  My mom brought back from England 3 bunnies from the Peter Rabbit stories and little books for each of them. 

I am just so thankful for Conor and Keira.  I am saddened that they wont have any memory of Cadence but Im sure that they will always feel something missing.  I always try to imagine what she would be like.  I think she would have a sweet disposition and be the calmer one between her and Keira.  I imagine her to be best friends w/ Keira and that Conor would watch over both of them at school.  I still hate saying that I have twins, because really they are triplets and by saying twins I feel as though Im not acknowledging Cadence.  But I know that Cadence would understand and that my heart will never forget her. 

We still have yet to do a memorial for her.  We really want to do it at a beach and so far this year, the weather hasnt been good enough to take Conor and Keira to the beach.  Hopefully soon.  Shaun and I have decided to spread her ashes w/ ours when our time on earth is done.  I can not wait to be reunited with my baby girl. 

To my baby Cadence,  I miss you so much. Not a day goes by where my heart doesnt ache for you.  I cant wait for the day when I can hold you in my arms.  You are my baby angel.  Love Mommy.

 

I have posted a pic of the bouquet from Cadence, her hand and footprints when delivered (her hand was the same size as my thumb print) and an ultrasound pic taken March 20, 2008.

Getting to Sleep

Well we are trying to get the babies to go to bed when we put them down instead of fighting w/ them for 2 hours and having to rock them every night.  I had heard of the controlled crying technique but was afraid to try it.  I tried a couple of times last week but quickly gave up when Keira started hitting her head against the crib railings.  But I heard one of my friends did it w/ her two and it worked for them so I called her up and got advice.

So two nights ago we gave it another try.  Both went to sleep w/out a fuss.  I knew not to get my hopes up b/c I knew this was not normal.  Last night they cried for 40 min b4 going to sleep.  I checked on them at 5 min, 10 min, 15 min and then in 10 min I put their blankets on.  And best of all Keira slept til 5 am b4 wanting a bottle and then went back to sleep till 7.  So again we tried tonight and they only cried for 10 min.  So it is working.  And best of all, they still wake in the morning w/ smiles so they must forgive me!  I really want to have this done by next thursday as I am taking a course on Thursdays from 630 – 930 and Shaun will have to put the babies to sleep on his own.  Once the babies started to get on the  move, it was pretty much impossible to put them to bed on your own.  Youd be rocking one and the other would be pulling at the cords on the hardrive.

Im taking Simply Accounting course.  And its being taught by someone I worked with which is good b/c I know she is a good teacher.  I will be doing the bookkeeping for Shaun starting in September.  For those that didnt know, Shaun and I will be store owners in September, well at least 80 -20 owners which means that we own 80% and his parents still have 20% for 5 years and then we buy them out completly.  Looking forward to this but realize that our life is about to get real busy.  I will also be doing the paperwork and payroll.  And I will be int he stores a bit.  Still have to get permission from CRA but I dont think that will be a problem.  The best part of all of this is  I can do most of this from home. 

We are going to Calgary in July.  Im so excited.  We will be driving out probably on the 4th and 5th and then we leave the kids with my parents on the tuesday and go to banff for a Timmys simposium for a couple of nights.  Then back to Calgayr and probably celebrate my 30th with my friends from Calgary.  It will be like a honeymoon withshaun in banff with no babies!!!  Hopefully they sleep better in Calgary than they did last time.  We will just see how the long road trip will be.

Happy Mothers Day

Today is my first Mothers Day and it has been a good day.  Shaun made a stepping stone for me for our garden.  It says Happy Mothers Day, has Conor and Keira’s handprints, and has their names and year.  I was pleasantly surprised that Shaun would do something like that for me.  I went to church with Keira.  It was Conor’s turn but she was so fussy and she usually behaves really well at church.  The McClures held thoughout the service which was a nice break for me. At the end of the service someone from Options Pregnancy came to talk about what they do (as we are participating in a fundraiser for them).  It was so hard to hold back my tears when she got up to speak.  She talked about working w/ girls who had unwanted pregnancies.  Some of them unfortunatly chose to have abortions.  But they end up coming back to the centre and find that God loves us even when we make poor choices and still wants us to be with him.  Some of them end up naming their unborn child and having funerals for them.  It just made me remember Cadence and my pregnancy.  Doctors kept talking about “selective reduction” of the identical twins in order to save Conor.  And I came so close to doing that.  But through prayer and support from those around me I made the right decision.  Today I have Conor AND Keira.  I did lose Cadence and still suffer from that but I know that her death was out of my hands.  If she had survived it wouldnt have been without suffering and my perinatologist said she wouldnt have lasted long out of the womb.  She would still be with God.

I used to visit a message board for mothers who have lost their infants in pregancy or early in life.  One of the moms on their had this poem written (Im not sure of the author).  But I love this poem and it brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.

An Angel in the Book of Life                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Wrote down our baby’s birth

And whispered as she closed the book

Too beautiful for earth.

 

On May 20th it will be a year since I found out that we lost Cadence.  This is going to be a hard week.

Another couple of milestones

In the past week my babies have reached a couple of new milestones.   On Friday we were at my in-laws and I gave Conor a cup of the Gerber meltaways.   He spilled them and Keira grabbed a couple and ate them.  I was waiting for the gagging but it never came.  Finally, she can have some finger foods.   We still have to watch what we give her as her gag reflex is still strong but at least she knows what to do with the food in her mouth.  She has also started kneeling at the step from the living room into the main hall (its maybe just over half the height of a regular step).  She lifts her knee as to crawl up the step but hasnt quite got it figured out. 

Conor started having food from a spoon again which makes life easier.  Now I can get him to have cereal and get some iron in him.  He can pull himself up the step and his quick to get around w/ his commando crawl.  It was so cute today.  Cheryl from infant development came and she had brought a ball for them to play with.  It got pushed to the corner and the race was on!  Keira is the faster crawler now, Conor is gonna have to step it up. 

Keira finally slept from 8 pm till 5 am only waking once at 9 but easily went back to bed.  I was so happy.  They both had their 8 month assessment (to measure their corrected age) and both did very well.  Keira has no red flags as to having any brain damage so far and Im very thankful for that.  They have both come so far since they were the little 3 1/2 lb babies in the NICU. 

On Thursday, Lynn and her twins came over.  Lynn and I both work for CRA though never actually met there even though we worked close to eachother.  We actually found eachother on a chat room for mothers of multiples.  Her babies are just over 8 mos.  Two beautiful girls with the bluest eyes I’ve seen.  Keira just kept stealing whatever toy they were playing with.  When Regan would talk, Conor would cry (weird b/c he never cries).  It’s nice having another mother of twins to talk to.  Especially since our babies have had some of the same difficulties. 

Well hopefully I get another night of sleep!

Some More Pics

Conor in Keiras Ikea Drawer

Keira at Easter

Flames Fans in the Making

I have been so bad about posting pics to this blog.  I find it frusterating but I figured I should put some more since not everyone who reads my blog is a friend on facebook (feel free to request me as a friend, I post a lot more pics there).  I cant wait to go outside w/ them more so I can take some pics outside.  We plan to go to Butchart Gardens soon.  Hopefully the weather will be good.

Its almost been a year since we lost Cadence.  Im trying to plan a private little memorial for Shaun, the kids and I to do.  I was going to spread the ashes but dont feel as though I can let go of that part of her.  Its the only tangible thing I have left of her.  Instead I think I will have her ashes spread w/ mine when its time for me to leave this world.  So at the end of May we will go to the ocean and do something special for her. 

Keira has decided not to nap today.  But thats ok, she is in good spirits.  She has been laughing at our cats.  I love her smile, she has the cutest little dimples. 

Yesterday Shaun put the baby gate at the top of the stairs up.  Now I can sit on the computer w/ the babies on the floor and not worry about them falling down the stairs.   We failed to measure where we put the gate so of course it was too short.  He put some blocks of wood between it and the banister, looks kind of ghetto but oh well.  He also cracked teh banister and damaged the wall.  At least we dont have to fix it till we take the gate down.

They’re crawling!!

Shaun agreed to give me Saturday night and Sunday off from being with the kids.  Saturday night all I did was go to London Drugs to pick up some pictures and then home to watch the Flames lose, not impressed!  I helped Shaun get the kids to bed.  We have been giving them a bottle to go to bed.  I know your not supposed to do this but Conor always drains his and Keira takes hers out of her mouth when shes done so I dont think there is too much teeth rotting going on.  Its the only way to get Keira to go to bed and it doesnt take 2 hours like other things we have tried.  Anyways, Keira woke at her usual 4 am time for a feeding and I could not for the life of me get Shaun up.  He kept mumbling stuff that made no sense, so I fed her.  But Shaun did let me sleep in!

I went to church w/ Keira and then dropped her off at home to go shopping.  I find I have to leave the house if I really want a break, which means spending money.  If Im home, even if Shaun is doing a great job w/ the kids, I feel the need to help.  It will be forever before I scrapbook again!

But I felt very relaxed at the end of the day.  And it was nice to come home to a little boy who missed me very much.  Conor actually crawled up a step for the first time, well it was more like he dragged himself up.  Time to put up the gate across the living room.  Keira has been rocking back and forth on all fours for a week and a half and today she actually crawled.  Not very far but she did it!  Hopefully she will stop crying so much.  She gets on all fours and cries b/c she is frusterated in herself for not being able to do what she wants to.  Her physio therapist said she is a perfectionist, I believe it!

Took the kids to Costco for the first time today.  They did very well.  COnor kept reaching out his hand to touch everything.  I cant wait to be able to do more w/ them. 

Feeding still isnt going very well.  Keira so far, only likes pears, bananas, and sometimes she will eat sweet potatoes or oatmeal cereal.  They are 10 mos old and still having a bottle every 2 hours.  But I cant get them to eat more than they do at meals.  Keira cant eat anything not pureed b/c she gags like crazy.  Conor has been eating peas, carrots, blueberries, gerber meltaways, pasta, but nothing pureed.  Not even cereal.  How on earth can I get them to eat more!!  Getting frusterated b/c I would like to be giving less bottles. 

Well, kids are in bed and there is an hour b4 my bedtime so Im going to go relax, probably read twilight.

Another Cold

Conor has yet another cold.  I think this is his 4th one since February.  So frusterating.  Last night wasnt too bad.  He slept in his crib from 8 till 12 and then I had to move him into the swing in our room so that he was sleeping at more of an incline.  Slept til 5 and then was up for the day.  5 is too early for me but Im not doing too bad.  Hopefully tonight will be no worse, although last night really wasnt that bad.  He is really whinny today so Im guessing he doesnt feel too hot.

Got to take Keira to church today.  Have to admit I brought her b/c of the pretty dress she was going to get to wear.  She was pretty good today.  Even let Randy McClure hold her for pretty much the whole service.  Its so nice when your babies let other people hold them.  She used to be horrible at that but is getting a lot better. 

Gonna have to make this short.  Keira is screaming downstairs (prob b/c Conor stole her toy) and SHaun is out grocery shopping. 

Happy Easter!!