Sleep Sleep Sleep :)
So I have finally started to stop giving bottles in the middle of the night. Last night was the first night. Conor woke twice and I just gave him water and he went right back to sleep and even slept in til 6:20 (what a beautiful sleep in that was for me!) Keira slept til 430 and I did give her a bottle. But I’ll try water next time. I just didnt think water would do when it was only a couple of hours from her usual wake time but I cant give in!! We also started giving them oatmeal before bed which may have helped.
I also stopped giving them bottles when they go to bed (I know, rotting teeth, but you see how you handle twin babies and then get back to me!) And both nights they went to bed w/out a peep. I feel so rested now! Usually by now Im curled up in bed reading a book.
My mom was here yesterday, left today. It was such a good visit. And the kids warmed up to her right away. Guess it hasnt been that long since she was last here. They even gave her kisses goodnight. I wish we lived closer to my family. It must be hard for them to be away from my kids and, well I just plain ol’ miss them. Looks like kids and I will be going to Calgary early May for a week. Will have my brother fly out here to fly there w/ me and then my mom will come back w/ me. Will be our last free flight for the kids. Cant imagine it will be an easy flight given that they have to stay in your lap!
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What I love about my kids
- When Keira runs to her dad to give him a hug and kiss goodnight
- How Conor scrunches up his nose and does little snorts when he laughs
- When Keira and Conor give eachother kisses (just gotta teach Conor to close his mouth when kissing family)
- Their excitment when I tell them they can go upstairs
- Conor’s pouty lip, sometimes it even trembles
- Their love for our cats
- Conor’s macho talk when his nanny Stacey his here
- How Keira talks w/ her hands, even when she pretends to talk on the phone (or remote, or whatever is in her hand)
- Their excitement to see me when I come home from work
- how for the time being, Shaun and I are the centre of their universe
- the way they look when they sleep
- Conor’s hugs and kisses
- Keira’s kisses (hasnt quite mastered the hug yet)
- how they help me wash the floor
- when keira pretends to feed her baby its bottle
- Keira’s hair (why did the curly hair have to skip over me, I would love to have her hair, I hope it stays!!)
I could go on and on. Was remembering tonight how Conor used to lie on his stomach (before he could walk) and would turn on his side and do a sexy pose (kind of like George Costanza on Seinfeld but not so creepy!). I cant believe how I have forgotten what is like for them to be babies. I mean of course I remember the sleepless nights and the long days and feeding them every 3 hours. Then there was all the tummy time to fit in. I just cant beleive they used to be so small. I mean when Keira came home from the hospital she was only 5 lbs and I remember thinking as I held her that I hoped she didnt fall through the gaps between my arms and my body even though I was holdign her tight.
Today was one of those better days where I feel rested and my kids didnt constantly crawl on the furniture. I fear the terrible twos are right around the corner!!
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Well I have been itching to start taking photos of my kids and to really try to improve at photography. I have all these fun lenses and havnt really put them to good use. So I thought I would give it a shot today. And I quickly realised why I havnt been trying to take more pics of my kids. As soon as they see the camera they come running for it and when I wont let them touch the camera they break out into tears. So away goes the camera. Doesnt help that Im so new at and still trying to figure out what f-stop or shutter speed would be best to use. Maybe I should be starting w/ inanimate objects! Below is the one shot I did get of Keira before the big melt down.
In December Keira and Conor had their 18 mo. assessment and did very well. Im so thankful for the Infant Development program at the Queen Alexandra. It gives me so much comfort having their support and advice. Im sure that my kids are one of their easier cases. They were mainly referred to the program b/c of the pregnancy, early birth and because the effect that Cadence’s passing could have on Keira.
Christmas was good. My parents came out for a week. We had a roast for Christmas Eve dinner and my parents and I went to the Christmas Eve service at our Church. Christmas morning we opened stockings then waited while the kids napped (one after the other of course). Shauns parents joined us for opening gifts under the tree. Then off to their house for dinner.
Unfortunatly on the 27th Keira had a fever and ended up in hospital the next day. She was admitted for the night (what a long night that was, as she would not let me lay her down in the hospital crib so I had to hold her the whole night). She had strep throat and possibly had a febral seisure. Her lips at one point turned blue and eyes were back in her head, at this point we took her to the hospital. She was only in for one night. They had gotten her fever down but her heart rate remained high. But she recovered quickly and Conor never got sick.
Ever since they have been healthy. Its so fun to watch them interact. Keira loves her dolls and Conor loves anything that makes a racket. They both are into everything, despite me constantly pulling them away from things they shouldnt be around (on the kitchen table, in the bathroom sink). It doesnt take them long to get somwhere they shouldnt be.
Well off to bed I go. Cant handle staying up past 9! Below are a couple of shots taken at Christmas.
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Wow cant believe I havnt written since early June. June was a bad month. Both kids were sick pretty much the whole month. Had to cancel their birthday party. I baked a cake on their actual day and Shaun and I sang happy bday to them. Keira was not happy when we forced her to touch the cake and conor couldnt care less.
July we drove out to Calgary for 2 weeks. For part of the trip Shaun and I were at a Tim Horton’s Symposium in Banff at the Rimrock Resort. Celebrated our 5th yr anniversary there. Took the kids to the Stampede. Not as much fun as Id hoped but at least I can say they have been there. Also had friends over to celebrate my 30th.
I was in Calgary a couple of times August. Once for a funeral of my good friends beautiful 3 year old princess and then again for my parents 40th wedding anniversary. This summer has just gone by so fast. I cant beleive it is pretty much over. Keira of course had her first step when I was in Calgary w/ Conor and she was home w/ her dad. But I am happy Shaun got to experience a first like that. Conor now has also taken his first step but is more focused on trying to stand hands free. Keira has gotten very good at it and is taking more steps w/out falling. Some say not to look forward to when they can walk but it will actually make my life a lot easier. Especially when taking them to church.
Tomorrow Shaun and I are officially Tim Horton franchinsee owners. We are doing an 80-20 ownership w/ Shauns parents. So we basically run the stores and in 5 years buy it out completly. Excited but nervous about it. Doesnt feel real yet. We found someone to watch the kids 3 days a week. Ive only met her once but feel very comfortable w/ having her watch my children. She is a friend of a good friend here in Victoria. Other than being in the store, I also am doing payroll and bookkeeping.
I am taking the kids to a play place tomorrow w/ some friends from church. It will be good to get out of the house. The last week we didnt really do anything out of the house and I almost went insane. I need to get out at least once a week.
Keira’s hair is getting longer and still curly 
Very happy about that. We gave Conor his first haircut the other day. We just cut his bangs and they are a bit crooked and a little short but they move their head so much and I dont want to cut him w/ the scissors. I think we will leave it to a professional the next time. I love listening to Keira talk. She does a lot of it. Cant wait for her first word (besides moma and dada). Anyways, off to bed I go. I know only 8 pm but kids are waking a lot in the night (I think its a teething thing).
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I Survived!!
So Keira got sick again last night at about 1130. I set up camp beside her crib after that. Amazing how comfortable the floor can be when you know its your only option to get some sleep. She woke at 4 for a bottle which I gave her and she quickly went back to sleep. When she got up this morning she seemed to be ok. She never did get sick again today but you could tell at times she wasnt herself. So I fed her mostly water and towards the end of the day watered down formula. Thank goodness it didnt get any worse and that Conor has so far escaped it.
Tomorrow is Camp Day at Timmy’s so the kids and I are going to go in for a visit. I think Keira has been in to Timmy’s but not Conor. Anyways, not much else to say about today, just thankful that Keira’s sickness didnt get any worse!
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Clown and Codfish
Today Keira and Conor went swimming for the first time. And what a fiasco that was, well the prep, not the actual swimming. We packed them into the car and drove to swim lessons. Half way there Keira started puking all over her carseat and my new car!! So when we got the rec centre I took off her shirt and wiped her up w/ Shauns spare tshirt.
I dont know how moms do it w/ only one baby. We got changed in the family change room. What do you do w/ your baby when your changing? I dislike public swimming pools very much, so many germs and it really makes me gag to think of it. I have never been able to walk on a pool deck or in the change room w/ out stepping only on my tip toes. we ended up having to put one of our towels on the ground to change the babies (we were in a change cubicle and the bench was too small to do this w/ the babies on it).
So into the pool (10 min late by now). Keira was not too much of a fan. Conor loved it. I think he drank half of the pool. We played a little game where each baby is a fish. Keira was a clown fish and Conor was a codfish (so the tradition continues down the family line). By the end of class Keira did enjoy floating on her back but I think she was happy to get out of there.
We came back home and Keira seemed to be fine. But then I fed her supper and up it all came again. Luckily was only in a diaper. After her next bottle she just kind of lied there and started to fall asleep. It concerned me a bit but I put her in her crib and she fell asleep. I keep checking on her to make sure she is still breathing. Im dont do well when they are sick. I get that feeling that I used to get when they were sick in the NICU/Peds. Hopefully she is better tomorrow.
We got a new vehicle on Saturday. It is a 2008 Lincoln MKX. Personally I had never heardof it before. We originally were looking at the Ford Edge. MKX is like an upgrade to the edge. He showed us the MKX and we fell in love. Low in kms and is just what we needed. I can sit in between the kids in the backseat and our stroller fits in the back w/ room to spare. I love driving it but havnt gotten much of a chance. Been tempted to just go out but IM trying to be mindful of the environment and how much gas costs!!
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May 20th – One Year Angelversary
One year ago yesterday we found out that Cadence had passed away. I cant believe that one year has passed. At the time it seemed like time was standing still and refused to move forward. Looking back, I cant believe that I handled carrying a deceased baby so well for 4 weeks. Guess that just shows how much strength God gives us.
Yesterday wasnt as hard as I feared it to be. I had moments throughout the day but overall I did ok. I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It included a card that said “To Daddy and Mommy. With love from Cadence – your little angel in Heaven” My parents had sent it. I cried but was very happy that she was remembered by someone else.
I keep reminiscing about the day we found out. I remember sitting waiting to see Dr. Dansereau (our perinatoligist) and feeling that something was wrong, but I think I felt that way every time before an appt b/c every appt we got more bad news. That walk from the ultrasound to the front door of the hospital was the longest walk. I was trying to keep everything together until we got to at least the car. When we got home, I curled up in our bed and cried. The first person I told was my sister in law Meagan. My parents were in England and I couldnt reach them at my brothers flat so I called Meagan to get them to call me. I dont know how she understood what I had said but she got a hold of my parents to call me. My mom brought back from England 3 bunnies from the Peter Rabbit stories and little books for each of them.
I am just so thankful for Conor and Keira. I am saddened that they wont have any memory of Cadence but Im sure that they will always feel something missing. I always try to imagine what she would be like. I think she would have a sweet disposition and be the calmer one between her and Keira. I imagine her to be best friends w/ Keira and that Conor would watch over both of them at school. I still hate saying that I have twins, because really they are triplets and by saying twins I feel as though Im not acknowledging Cadence. But I know that Cadence would understand and that my heart will never forget her.
We still have yet to do a memorial for her. We really want to do it at a beach and so far this year, the weather hasnt been good enough to take Conor and Keira to the beach. Hopefully soon. Shaun and I have decided to spread her ashes w/ ours when our time on earth is done. I can not wait to be reunited with my baby girl.
To my baby Cadence, I miss you so much. Not a day goes by where my heart doesnt ache for you. I cant wait for the day when I can hold you in my arms. You are my baby angel. Love Mommy.
I have posted a pic of the bouquet from Cadence, her hand and footprints when delivered (her hand was the same size as my thumb print) and an ultrasound pic taken March 20, 2008.
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Getting to Sleep
Well we are trying to get the babies to go to bed when we put them down instead of fighting w/ them for 2 hours and having to rock them every night. I had heard of the controlled crying technique but was afraid to try it. I tried a couple of times last week but quickly gave up when Keira started hitting her head against the crib railings. But I heard one of my friends did it w/ her two and it worked for them so I called her up and got advice.
So two nights ago we gave it another try. Both went to sleep w/out a fuss. I knew not to get my hopes up b/c I knew this was not normal. Last night they cried for 40 min b4 going to sleep. I checked on them at 5 min, 10 min, 15 min and then in 10 min I put their blankets on. And best of all Keira slept til 5 am b4 wanting a bottle and then went back to sleep till 7. So again we tried tonight and they only cried for 10 min. So it is working. And best of all, they still wake in the morning w/ smiles so they must forgive me! I really want to have this done by next thursday as I am taking a course on Thursdays from 630 – 930 and Shaun will have to put the babies to sleep on his own. Once the babies started to get on the move, it was pretty much impossible to put them to bed on your own. Youd be rocking one and the other would be pulling at the cords on the hardrive.
Im taking Simply Accounting course. And its being taught by someone I worked with which is good b/c I know she is a good teacher. I will be doing the bookkeeping for Shaun starting in September. For those that didnt know, Shaun and I will be store owners in September, well at least 80 -20 owners which means that we own 80% and his parents still have 20% for 5 years and then we buy them out completly. Looking forward to this but realize that our life is about to get real busy. I will also be doing the paperwork and payroll. And I will be int he stores a bit. Still have to get permission from CRA but I dont think that will be a problem. The best part of all of this is I can do most of this from home.
We are going to Calgary in July. Im so excited. We will be driving out probably on the 4th and 5th and then we leave the kids with my parents on the tuesday and go to banff for a Timmys simposium for a couple of nights. Then back to Calgayr and probably celebrate my 30th with my friends from Calgary. It will be like a honeymoon withshaun in banff with no babies!!! Hopefully they sleep better in Calgary than they did last time. We will just see how the long road trip will be.
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Happy Mothers Day
Today is my first Mothers Day and it has been a good day. Shaun made a stepping stone for me for our garden. It says Happy Mothers Day, has Conor and Keira’s handprints, and has their names and year. I was pleasantly surprised that Shaun would do something like that for me. I went to church with Keira. It was Conor’s turn but she was so fussy and she usually behaves really well at church. The McClures held thoughout the service which was a nice break for me. At the end of the service someone from Options Pregnancy came to talk about what they do (as we are participating in a fundraiser for them). It was so hard to hold back my tears when she got up to speak. She talked about working w/ girls who had unwanted pregnancies. Some of them unfortunatly chose to have abortions. But they end up coming back to the centre and find that God loves us even when we make poor choices and still wants us to be with him. Some of them end up naming their unborn child and having funerals for them. It just made me remember Cadence and my pregnancy. Doctors kept talking about “selective reduction” of the identical twins in order to save Conor. And I came so close to doing that. But through prayer and support from those around me I made the right decision. Today I have Conor AND Keira. I did lose Cadence and still suffer from that but I know that her death was out of my hands. If she had survived it wouldnt have been without suffering and my perinatologist said she wouldnt have lasted long out of the womb. She would still be with God.
I used to visit a message board for mothers who have lost their infants in pregancy or early in life. One of the moms on their had this poem written (Im not sure of the author). But I love this poem and it brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.
An Angel in the Book of Life
Wrote down our baby’s birth
And whispered as she closed the book
Too beautiful for earth.
On May 20th it will be a year since I found out that we lost Cadence. This is going to be a hard week.
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Another couple of milestones
In the past week my babies have reached a couple of new milestones. On Friday we were at my in-laws and I gave Conor a cup of the Gerber meltaways. He spilled them and Keira grabbed a couple and ate them. I was waiting for the gagging but it never came. Finally, she can have some finger foods. We still have to watch what we give her as her gag reflex is still strong but at least she knows what to do with the food in her mouth. She has also started kneeling at the step from the living room into the main hall (its maybe just over half the height of a regular step). She lifts her knee as to crawl up the step but hasnt quite got it figured out.
Conor started having food from a spoon again which makes life easier. Now I can get him to have cereal and get some iron in him. He can pull himself up the step and his quick to get around w/ his commando crawl. It was so cute today. Cheryl from infant development came and she had brought a ball for them to play with. It got pushed to the corner and the race was on! Keira is the faster crawler now, Conor is gonna have to step it up.
Keira finally slept from 8 pm till 5 am only waking once at 9 but easily went back to bed. I was so happy. They both had their 8 month assessment (to measure their corrected age) and both did very well. Keira has no red flags as to having any brain damage so far and Im very thankful for that. They have both come so far since they were the little 3 1/2 lb babies in the NICU.
On Thursday, Lynn and her twins came over. Lynn and I both work for CRA though never actually met there even though we worked close to eachother. We actually found eachother on a chat room for mothers of multiples. Her babies are just over 8 mos. Two beautiful girls with the bluest eyes I’ve seen. Keira just kept stealing whatever toy they were playing with. When Regan would talk, Conor would cry (weird b/c he never cries). It’s nice having another mother of twins to talk to. Especially since our babies have had some of the same difficulties.
Well hopefully I get another night of sleep!
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